6th June 2023,

woke up this morning at a somewhat reasonable time of 10. had cereal for breakfast and took my medication at 12. put my laundry in a bag to be taken to the laundromat at a later date. (probably tomorrow) had pasta for dinner. spoke with my friends about creating an online board game. spent the rest of the night coding this website, in fact, this page exactly.

lately been feeling kind of bored. like chronically i guess. i wasnt on my meds forrr like a week a think? im back on them now but yknow i think it takes time for them to fully work again. just kinda feel like im wasting away in my room and i have to force myself to do anything. idk. im glad i at least got some coding done today but yknow. i cant even remember anything thats happened in the past 2 weeks bc i havent been doing much to differentiate the days. i dunno, maybe ill rent a book or something so i can stop ruining my eyesight being online all day.

i guess its kind of hypocritical of me to make fun of others and tell them to touch grass when all i do is wake up and lie on the floor scrolling through tumblr or watching youtube. and then like my idea of "being productive" and "doing things" is just. playing video games instead of doing that. which i know i know like im supposed to stop being hard on myself but i dunno i guess im being hard on my brain not me. which like, same thing. mental illness shapes me as a person. i feel mixed about it. on one hand thank fuck theres something wrong with me because otherwise it would mean its my fault i cant do anything. but on the other hand god i wish i could do things like a normal person for once.

either way, i wish i was doing things. but i dont want to do anything. its like, i think im mad im doing nothing moreso than im mad bc i wish i was doing anything, if that makes sense? bc its like what am i going to do? go walk somewhere? i dont want to spend money and i dont feel like having a panic attack if i see somebody i know. hang out with my friends? theyre all just as reclusive as me. guess thats why were friends lulz. i know i should talk to them. i can feel myself slipping into full on crazy paranoid mode of not wanting to speak to them ever and feeling terrified to even reach out for no reason so like i should really just call them soon. idk. maybe i will. this board game thing will be something that forces me to talk to them. so itll be fun and good for me.

man i really dont mean to be a huge downer but i guess thats just how life is sometimes. or maybe im depressed. whichever it is im going to list positive things now so i dont go nuts. uhhh i got a lot of progress done on my website. i went for a walk recently. i bought some food. ive been waking up on schedule lately. ive gotten more into the habit of being more hygenic. im starting to eat more regularly. i started washing my clothes again. i guess thats kind of it. stuff to look forward to i guess is that board game thing. and hanging out with my friends soon hopefully.

yeah i guess thats it for this entry. despite how it sounds im doing alright rn. been better but things could be worse, yknow? ill get through this the indominatable human spirit etc etc.

parting words: i wish my room would fill with gelatin so i could just sort of float around. i can breathe gelatin in this situation so i would just not have to move.